Guest post by Midori Heckman

To protect my friend, we’ll call him Dex. Dex has been married about three years. When he first started dating his now wife, Rose, she always looked amazing. Every time they went out, she had a sparkle to her, evidence that she made a sincere effort to look and smell nice even if their date just consisted of a trip to Pho Thai, a run down hole in the wall neighborhood joint that just happened to have the best Vietnamese soup. They’d leave the restaurant with the rain pouring, and he’d hold her umbrella as she made every effort to ensure that her makeup and hair were left in tact.

When they got to her place, she’d excuse herself and freshen up in the bathroom, making sure she didn’t have lipstick or food in her teeth, powdering her nose, and tossing her hair to make sure it still had that voluminous bounce she had spent half an hour trying to create.

Basically, she was in it to impress. She cared about his opinion of her and wanted to draw him in. Every little bit of effort was a subconscious way of seducing him.

Fast forward four years later.

Rose has three days off of work. She’s tired, worn down and ready to not give a damn.  She’s going to lounge around in the same sweats, greasy, 3-day hair in a messy bun, and watch re-runs of Sex in the City. Maybe she’ll shower, maybe she won’t. She’s definitely not going to put on makeup or do her hair. She deserves it. She works hard and her job is stressful.

Dex looks at her in silent disappointment. This has become the norm. The saddest thing is that when it’s time for her to show her face to the world, she showers, gets dressed up, puts on her makeup, and does her hair.

This is what’s going on in his mind: Why does she do this for her coworkers, boss and clients? Has she stopped caring about his opinion? Has she stopped trying to impress him?

I’ve heard this lament from a couple of guys. And even though it may be a taboo subject to bring up to women, it’s important that it’s addressed. In the beginnings, every woman knows that appearance is important. Why would that ever change?

Eros love is visually oriented. This means that both women and men should be as attractive and well-groomed as possible, whenever possible.

And why should it be a taboo subject to bring up to women?

I think it’s fair to say that whatever a woman does to get a man’s attention…

That is the same stuff she needs to maintain to keep his attention.

Otherwise, I think it’s it’s just false advertising.

And don’t get me wrong. I think it’s important to be able to let your hair down and feel 100% comfortable without your makeup on. There’s nothing wrong with wearing your sweats.

But every woman needs to remember that if she’s in a relationship, or married, she has signed on to have an audience.

Married men will always run across beautiful women. If he has a beautiful woman he comes home to every night who makes an effort, then maybe those other beautiful women won’t be a temptation at all. He’ll be thinking, “I already have that.”

Whether we make an effort on our appearance or not, it sends a message to our partners.

If we don’t make an effort the majority of the time, it says, I’ve got you forever and I’m not going to try. You have to love me and find me desirable even if I don’t try to impress you or try to look my best.

It also sends the message,  I don’t care about your opinion anymore. Meaning, I don’t prioritize you anymore. I don’t care to impress you. The opinion of my coworkers, boss and clients is more important than your opinion of me.

If you do make an effort on your appearance the majority of the time, it sends the message, I love you. Your opinion matters more than any one else. I understand you’re a visual person, and I want to give you something your eyes can feast on so you will always feel like a lucky man to be with me. You are my priority. I won’t stop making an effort just because I know you are with me forever.

My coworker was dealing with this issue with his girlfriend. One day he told me, “What I don’t understand is why she can’t just make an effort not just for me, but for herself.” And that’s true. I know I feel better on the days that I make an effort on my appearance as opposed to the days where I lounge around in my pjs.

I wanted to write this because if you have a loving, tactful partner, he’s probably never going to bring this subject up, since there’s really no easy way to do that. But I know it’s an issue because men on my blog confide in me.

Appearance isn’t everything, but it does matter. There are times that make it difficult, like in times of illness, losing family members, having a baby… but it’s important to know that there’s a man in the same house who’s always going to be looking to you to find beauty and inspiration. You are his muse; are you embracing that role?

Midori Heckman lives in east side Seattle and writes for the dating blog Dating Advice From a Girl.

Finding your special someone:

• Get your profile in shape with Internet Dating Is Not Like Ordering a Pizza
• Ace the first date with First Date 101
• Meet someone without breaking the bank with Dating on a Budget

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